this is forfeit undone

His bride, the church

2011-08-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

a few things that came together in my mind recently:
1. Christ is called the second adam (1 cor. 15:47)
2.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the church as the the body and bride of Christ. after being involved in a bible study that was going through book of John, a few things came together in my mind.

Jesus' first miracle is turning to water into wine at the wedding feast - showing that he brings joy and celebration. but it also shows that he blesses this wedding.
Jesus came to reconcile his people (the church) with himself. his bride had been unfaithful and he came to win her back. and the first thing he does is bless a wedding. fast forward to his crucifiction.
when he dies his side is pierced and water and blood flow out.
it is important to note that during the times of sacrifice in Israel there were trenches dug around the alters to capture the blood of the sacrifices and direct it out of the temple. from a distance, looking onto the temple, it would appear that blood was running out of the side of the temple and mixing with the water of a nearby river. water. blood.

John also proclaims that Jesus came and dwelt amongst us - literally translated he set up his tent, or tabernacle amongst us. he was the indwelling of God, taking on our flesh to give it up for us.

so at this moment of sacrifice, when attonement happens, water and blood flow from the side of Christ (the temple) reconciling us to God.
another side note: Christ is called the second adam. Adam's bride was pulled from his side and eve was created. when adam awoke he said "bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh"
the church's rebirth came from the water and blood that flowed out of the second adam's side.

And Christ looks at us - bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh

and loves us.

when i thought of communion, i always thought of the last supper at which Christ invites his diciples to share in the wine and bread - a rememberance of the sacrifice he was going to make.
but he is, instead, inviting us to share in himself: in his sufferings, his death, his ressurection.

simply because it needs to bed said

2011-08-08T20:34:00.001-07:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

thoughts from a disjointed being

2011-05-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

God is moving in the way a stream flows. He is always moving, flowing, carrying and endless (the analogy falls apart here, because God is actually endless whereas a stream just seems endless from most given vantages. also, God is limitless where a stream has defined limits. forgive the holes my finite mind creates.)

i see God moving in other people, yet sometimes fail to see Him moving in me.
i sit on the banks of God and watch Him flow by. carrying others. changing others. all the while moving and flowing in a specific and meaningful direction.

i choose to sit on the banks. on occasion, i will get up and walk along the banks: carrying my heavy load - even convinced that i am doing good!

while God is in front of me. waiting to carry me. waiting to move me.

Smoke rings

2010-11-07T17:43:00.001-08:00

Amic was beautiful in the way a smoke ring was.
Fleeting perfection achieved through too much time and dedication to a deadly habit.

She wanted to quit.

chess

2010-11-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

Bryan lived like he played chess.
He had a general conception of how the pieces moved, but lacked any real strategy to his movements and also lacked the knowledge and foresight to predict the moves of others.

He wanted to get better at chess.

I swear i am willing to be refined.

2010-11-03T04:52:00.000-07:00

i know i have yet to prove it. i should stop comparing myself to iron ore; as if i were strong. or any form of plant; as if by my very existence i would grow.

am i being refined? if not it is because i have buried myself far too deep.

the truth is that there is a fire burning hot enough. the opportunity persists, despite my resistance.

i want to end. end my unending thoughts. i want to stop thinking of what i am most like and start seeing what i am.
i am a wretched, mistake-making fool who gets distracted at every turn by everything meant to be left alone. i lack any sort of focus or discipline (or motivation for any real change) i am too good at lying about things and am believed by everyone at times. i am simply a regurgitation of the world around me: taking everything in and spitting it back out in some sickly distorted, yet appropriately placed way. yet somehow, beyond my delusions of grandiose failure, i am loved. i feel greedy saying that. i am loved (unconditionally, at that)
despite my irrationality and quirks beyond repair, i am loved

i have been loved

i will be loved

i am loved

i am loved

i am loved...

2010-11-02T21:13:00.001-07:00

what i want, i can't have.

this is devastating.

contentment

2010-08-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

why is it that the line between contentment and complacency seems so hard to define?

mathematics

2010-01-28T22:02:00.001-08:00

on the playground one day the young children were showing off their math prowess by adding up various numbers. one child challenged another by asking what three-thousand plus two-thousand was. the surrounding children were in awe of the child that confidently spoke the words "five-thousand"
confounded, the children asked me to confirm the confidence of the mathematician.
"yes," i said "it isn't that difficult."
"but those are huge numbers!"
"yes. but it's the same as adding 2 and 3 together"
"5!" one anxious child yelled
"exactly. if all that's said is blank-thousand, just add up the first number and say thousand after. for example two-thousand plus eight-thousand is the same as two plus eight, but when you give your answer say 'thousand' at the end"
the children ran off to wow their friends who were outside of earshot of our conversation.

like many other times on that playground, interacting with children, i was blindsided by a lesson that i had just taught: everything seems complicated if you only look at the numbers.

this is who i want to be. this is how i want to love.

2010-01-09T00:19:00.000-08:00

"i stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. a tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. she will be thus from now on. the surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh; i promise you that. nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, i had to cut the little nerve.

her young husband is in the room. he stands on the opposite side of the bed and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. who are they, i ask myself, he and this wry mouth i have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, greedily? the young woman speaks.

'will my mouth always be like this?' she asks.

'yes,' i say, 'it will. it is because the nerve was cut.'

she nods and is silent. but the young man smiles.

'i like it,' he says, 'it is kind of cute.'

all at once i know who he is. i understand and i lower my gaze. one is not bold in an encounter with a god. unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth and i am so close i can see how he twists his lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works."

-Richard Selzer, M.D. "Mortal lessons: Notes on the Art of Surgery"

life in the now

2010-01-07T06:09:00.000-08:00

live for the present. but what is the present other than short term memory? there are moments ahead and moments behind but it is near impossible to catch one now...or now... things move to the past far too quickly.

perhaps the 'now' is just a collective imagination held by all who either dread the future or regret the past.

but wouldn't this moment-only lifestyle preclude you from what you need as a human? (that being memories/knowledge/wisdom and aspirations/hopes/dreams)

what if you cherish the past and/or look forward to the future?

i guess the point of present-focus is to get people to not focus on their dread of the 'yet to' and their dissatisfaction with the 'has already'

but, perhaps, misses this mark.

this entry really has no point.

2009-12-16T18:39:00.001-08:00

i dream far too much.

i like it.

to something far beyond myself

2009-11-30T19:49:00.000-08:00

"Your name is glorious, glorious

Your love is changing us, calling us

to worship in spirit and in truth as all creation returns to you"

2009-11-30T19:43:00.000-08:00

hello forgetful.

often times i wait for my heart to be where i'm going, rather than going there and taking my heart along.

not realizing the whole time that my heart is a polestar, pointing me to exactly what i find important.

Thank God that grace resounds off of our weakness and that his power is made perfect in my weakness.

i really wish i knew how to quiet my mind.

2009-11-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

hello unknown.

honestly, when i think about the future i feel like i've been in a room with a sleeping lion for 8 hours; i know it's going to wake up at any moment.

and i'm wearing a shirt that smells like meat.

thank God i'm not the first.

"My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions"

Daniel 6:22a

i don't know why i continue to worry

2009-10-31T06:36:00.000-07:00

it's amazing how weeks of deliberation can lead to nothing

but then, a single moment can change everything.

it's not that i now know, it's that i'm okay with not.

2009-10-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

i realized tonight that i have a tendency to turn points into rays; that i expect individual moments to span out into eternity. by this i am simply referring to my tendency to expect my current circumstance to remain indefinitely. for example: when you're sick and you don't remember what it's like to feel okay. or, when feeling really depressed it's easy to forget happiness.

i suppose i have a longing for the eternal, but what i fail to realize is that i'm following the eternal.

how insulting that must be; going to see God's glory and stopping to marvel at a colorful pebble i've found along the way.

what a fool.

2009-09-12T07:05:00.001-07:00

i want to be unconditional.

2009-04-16T19:47:00.001-07:00

hello captive.

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

John 8:34-36

this is something i need to be reminded of on an almost constant basis. it seems rather pathetic when i think about it that i have to reminded of my freedom and the fact that i no longer exist as a slave to anything but my eventual righteousness...

i don't devote enough of myself to the righteousness that i say i pursue, which reminds me of another verse:

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.

2 Timothy 3:1-5

i have nothing more to say, unless you count my future actions as words (which you hardly could because they should speak much louder)

hello free.

2009-04-14T08:58:00.001-07:00

spectators sport

2009-03-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

hello unloved.

today i sat on the sidelines of my own life and watched. and hated it.

i have no excuse. i have no reason.

a permanent proof of a temporary existence

2009-03-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

hello forgotten.

recently i've been thinking/praying a lot about a calling that's existed for a while as embers exist long after a fire has gone out. however, these particular embers were fortunate enough to catch a gust of wind strong enough to reignite they're almost extinguished dying selves. we'll go ahead and call that gust of wind mexico, for sake of clarity. it's interesting to me how sometimes things fall (whether together or apart) in perfect time with our needs. God is amazing like that i suppose. He really is with us, walking alongside. i think that He truely gets excited (probably more so than us) when we are walking with Him, and things begin happen. great things.

i suppose it's really no mystery at all when you can see all of time in a single glance, but for me... from where i'm standing (in the middle of the trees that have yet to become a forest to me) i stand amazed.

as for me and the next __+ years, i will be serving the one who sees infinitely more than me, who sees not only the the forest, but the land in which the forest lies, and the work on which the land lies... and the universe in which the planet lies... and everything outside of that.

it seems like a good idea to me at least

"Oh, doubters, let's go down... let's go down, won't you come on down?
Oh, doubters, let's go down... down to the river to pray.
'Oh, but I'm so small I can barely be seen... how can this great love be inside of me?'
Look at your eyes.... they're small in size, but they see enormous things."
-mewithoutYou "four word letter pt.2"

2008-10-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

it's funny how the path we take leads us to the destination we arrive at.

sometimes going back in time and smacking myself seems like the best option

other times continuing is the best.

"forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead"
-philippians 3:13b

and to a certain (potential) reader out there: yes. i miss you and like you and yes. yesyesyesyes.

goodnight gentle love

2008-09-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

it's days like today

that make you realize that everything is out of your control

and you can't help but think "i'm completely ok with all of this"

2008-08-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

today should be good. this large low pressure system promises a lot of rain, which i gotta say, i'm completely okay with. work at the elementary school was canceled, again, okay with it. cherry will be rough tonight because of a sore throat.

and now to take a hard look at what defines me, and what i let influence me.

sometimes i wonder why i am where i am. then i look around.. what i carry with me, what i hold on to, what i let go of

suddenly where i am makes sense. scary

2008-07-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

oh the many ways i'm silenced by the plank in my own eye.

glory.

2008-07-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

after arriving home last night a flash in the sky caught my eye.
i was lying down on my driveway looking up at the clouds above.

they were soaked red from light pollution and were making haste across the sky. i thought "how beautiful is tonight? look at this glorious sky"

then the flash happened again. a giant cloud that took up most of the horizon i could keep in my periphery was unveiled from the night be a great flash of lightning. the immensity of the cloud revealed by it's own glory.
then as quick as it could be seen, it disappeared again into the dark.

the longer it was that i looked for this cloud and the more the lightning shown it, the easier it was to see.

How can i live for myself and for Christ?
i can't.

"He must become greater; I must become less." john 3:30

the longer we look at Christ the more revealed he is to us.

single minded

2008-05-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

oh that i may gaze upon your beauty oh Lord

that i may see your holy face

that i may know you in an intimate way

and follow after you all of my days

2008-05-29T17:43:00.000-07:00

i am nothing, Christ is everything.
the very lips that spoke the entirety of the cosmos into existence speaks to our hearts, romancing and pursuing us
how is that not worth surrendering your life?
honestly i can't tell you. but yet i decide, almost daily, that it isn't.

i am wrong.

2008-05-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

Lilly pads are great for hopping

Bags and sandals great for shopping

And a lollipop to make the day go by

All the while my mind not stopping

All my hopes make me feel like popping

Just don’t let the glass half fullers cry

Till tonight when stars and clouds collide

And friends will all laugh in stride

Promises ending in a lie

When morning dawn does soon break

And movement for our hearts sake

The light of sky causes birds to fly

The afternoon shall kiss the evening

Segueing to steady bleeding

All beneath the heavy laden sky

The cycle continues it’s beating

Blinks begin slowly fleeting

As another day passes by

Filly pages with our lives

Watching them read at the end of time

All the while only asking “why?”

not the complete transcript, but still good, haha

2008-05-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

it's all going to be ok
it's all going to be ok
it's all going to be ok
it's all going to be ok

honestly

2008-04-15T07:10:00.000-07:00

i simply cannot wait until this semester is over. that is all.

a permanent proof of a temporary existance

2008-03-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

we are no longer alone

2008-03-25T08:48:00.001-07:00

my alarm clock introduces me to the morning, insisting that we might be good friends
and while the morning brings it's friends the dark and cold, we seem to all get along

today was pretty banner. i rode my bike all the way to fsu (not a feat of distance, a feat of altitude :))
and once there i finally told fsu what was up, and now i'm registered for 4 summer classes, and can't wait to completely master them and show fsu what i'm made up of :
1 cup ambition
2 teaspoons procrastination
1/2 cup ingenuity
3 garlic cloves
7 cups water

heat to 98.6 and mix often

i love it

2008-03-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

i wish that where i am and where i want to be didn't seem as far apart.
i know that most of life is in the journey, but my feet are getting tired.

2008-03-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

i don't aspire to be much
i aspire to change much

old dogs

2008-03-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

i was reading something today that was rather disturbing... yet convicting
i began to think upon reading about how some things haven't changed listening to someone rant about something that happened years ago
then i began to realize that although i would like to say something in retort, i am silenced by the plank in my own eye
ouch.
anger is a bitter red monster that festers under our skin

think about this

2008-03-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

we are saved.
we are being saved.
we will be saved.

sweet, eh?

2008-03-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

i was stumbling through some old journals and writings and discovered this interesting piece about my mother that i wrote quite a while back.
"i know most of you have moms, but to me none of your moms are as special as mine And here are some of the things that she donse home work help, being thoughfull, and cooking like a pro. Anyway she is so special i just had to write a story about her. Anyway here is the first, thing.
As you might have guessed this paragraph is about homework help, well your rite. My mom helps me with homework when i need it. When i do she helps me. My mom helps me with my homework when i need it, but she's always being thoughtful.
Again as you might have guessed this paragraph is about being thoughful. My mom is thoughtful. Most mom are, it's thier nature. Well what makes my mom thoughful is she always thinking of others. She leaves little notes if you felling blue (even if your not). She buys me little gifts. Being thoughful is nice, But cooking like a pro is even beter.
Again as you might have guessed this paragraph is about cooking like a pro. Moms mons cook good. My mom has a way to make bad foods good. My mom cooks basically everything good.
My mom is the best. No one could replace her. I will do my best to help her. She is a great mom."

note: any spelling or grammatical errors are completely in effort to reproduce this completely raw and a copy of the original.

and i will show you my faith by what i do

2008-03-03T21:18:00.000-08:00

last summer i worked at a summer camp at a local elementary school. being amongst the first there on this particular morning i was assigned the task of moving, for whatever the reason, a rather heavy shelf (on wheels) from one spot in the cafeteria to another. there was one child present at this moment, amongst the directors and myself. i began my task. within moments Rosea (the child present) asked if she could help me. i consented to her helping me move the shelf and she smiled. she put both hands and walked at the same speed as the shelf was moving, and with much contentment on her part the shelf moved.. notably not any faster or with any more ease on my part.
i realized that although her help was not necessary, and barely any help at all, it gave her a defining sense of self and purpose. A feeling that could not be replicated simply by playing with dolls, or building with blocks, something that could only be created by her doing something outside of herself.. venturing into the world of adults, a world which to children is as mysterious as it is romanticized and unknown.
i later realized that it is the same way with God. he doesn't need our help, being all knowing and all powerful, he doesn't realistically need anything that humans can give. however, God lets us help. not for his sake, but for ours.
we have a great opportunity and yet we sit on our hands.
we have the privilege and ability to serve

Matthew 25:40
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

also:

James 2:18
But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

2008-02-28T06:38:00.000-08:00

i've struck up an acquaintance with the morning. we share each other, the sun and i. i keep it company while it keeps me warm on my drive. we share thoughts and maybe some coffee.
a Persian poet named Hafiz once wrote
"even after all this time the sun never says to the earth 'you owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky."

2008-02-27T07:52:00.000-08:00

at times i feel like my brain is a thick fog and my thoughts are like little children. running around needlessly so that by the time i find one he has run off before i can find another one.
this tedious process of catch and release and re-catch and re-release is all a bit daunting and at times i wonder
what do i wonder?
oh.. i forget, ha.

maybe i just lack a starting block. oh, indeterminate proclivities